Webster’s defines awkward as lacking social grace and assurance or causing embarrassment. I define it as having to talk to my kids about breasts. Particularly, mine. Let me preface this whole experience by saying I am not comfortable talking to my kids about their body parts in clinical or any other terms. I know lots of other people are. In fact, my sister is one of those people. Myself, I would rather just refer to it as their pee pee than their penis or vagina. My brain can’t even fathom saying those words to my kids. I’m not sure why I have such a hangup with it because I don’t have a problem talking about those things with other adults. It’s just kids that I feel like it’s all wildly inappropriate. Having explained that, let me tell you what happened.
The kids and I were watching some video clips of them playing with Scout on the computer. Emma was sitting behind me with her arms around me and without even thinking, she started pinching my nipple. This happens more often than you would think and I said to her ‘Emma, stop pinching my boob. That’s rude’. Immediately after saying it, I questioned if I should have said boob or breast. Both words sound horrific to me when speaking them to my 4 or 3 year old.
I mentally make a note that I’ll try breast next time as soon as she says to me ‘Mom, when am I going to have big boobs?’. Gerrit chimes in with ‘Ya, when I have big boobs’. Great… I can just imagine them making boob a word to work into everyday conversation. They already throw around bootie and tooted every chance they get. And I’m pretty sure I would die if they said boob to somebody.
I reply with ‘Well, Gerrit… boys don’t have breasts. Emma, you’ll have breasts when you grow up’. I’m hoping that the topic will change but my hopes are dashed when Emma pulls her shirt up and asks what her nipples are. I tell her nipples (somehow that word doesn’t give me the heebie geebies) and I assure Gerrit that he has nipples too. I try to deflect the conversation by adding that all mammals have nipples. I point out Scouts and tell them that Quigley has them too. Emma asks if goldfish have them and after answering her, it stops.
I am officially uncomfortable and feeling way awkward. I’m praying that the discussion never arises again or if it does, Dan can field it. I don’t know why it makes me so weirded out but it does. The worst experience up til now was when Gerrit started talking about boys have pee pees and girls just have butts. I tried a couple of times to tell him that girls pee pees are just small but he was quite insistent that they ONLY had butts. I just gave up. I’m so not prepared for this part of motherhood.