I think it’s important to remember our past in order to grow and live better today. I don’t regret the pains in my life because they helped me become the person that I am today. Even the most painful ones. I’ve learned so much about myself and I feel like I’m still progressing towards the better me inside. I heard this song today and it brought me back.
This song always reminds me so much of when I was 17. It was a long time ago but I can still feel it so well. The pain, the sadness, the emptiness and hopelessness. I would listen to this song and could almost feel myself dead. Light and free… the pain was gone and strangely enough so was the loneliness.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was to live through my depression. It was completely engulfing. So many times, I thought of being dead. I didn’t actually want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. I never believed that I could lead a ‘normal’ life. Normal was for other people. People untainted and pure. I was convinced that I was so evil, that I was rotten to the core. My very existence only meant pain and sorrow for others. No matter what I tried to do, I was a weapon of destruction. Ruining all who I touched. Especially those that I loved most.
That broken girl seems almost like a different person. So hopeless and angry. Rather than try to deal with the pain, I turned it into anger. Somehow that was easier to feel than the horrible blackness deep in me. I would cut or burn myself to feel better but it was only temporary. I was broken and needed fixing.
I wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for the love of my family and friends. They helped me hang on while I dealt with all my problems. I found an amazing psychologist and he helped me with intense therapy. Somehow, he recognized exactly what therapy I needed and we worked hard to repair my mind. I don’t know what my official diagnosis was, I’ve never asked. Borderline Personality Disorder was mentioned to me by a friend a few years ago and it sounds exactly what I was at that time.
After all these years, I can remember how I felt then. It doesn’t hurt me anymore but it makes me sad still. I don’t think about it a lot these days. I think that in itself is amazing and people that never knew me then would have a hard time picturing that could have ever been me. That makes me feel good. I hope that they can see the strength I gained and not the scars. I’m not ashamed of my scars but they no longer define me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever share that part of my life with my kids. It seems so unnecessary to burden them with a past they need not know about. I want them to have a childhood like the Beav on Leave it to Beaver. Pure and innocent. Stopping the cycle and giving them a fresh start. At least that’s my goal.