“I’m not running right now”. I kept repeating that sentence to Dan, his parents, anybody that I happened to cross paths with this morning. The Riverbank Run was taking place and as I said, I was not running it. My sickness continues to control my daily activities and running is still off the table. Making the decision that I couldn’t run even the 10k was a hard pill to swallow. Particularly since my throat is still raw.
The dr has now put me on a nasal spray with steroids. I suspect he thinks this will help for things to drain out instead of just sitting in there. No, I still don’t know quite what I have. I still have problems with my throat, ears and my eyes are a big issue at this point. I woke up Tuesday morning with them swollen into giant blobs and what you could see of the former whites of my eyes was grey and bloodshot. They burned like they were swimming in sewage. The fever had returned and I was hit.
While I know that this illness will not kill me, it’s frustrating to not be living either. I find myself having to choose between doing some daily cleaning or trying to do a very small circuit with some weights. No cardio. For a girl who was running 12/13miles at a time a month ago, this newfound routine has become as psychologically draining as it is physically. It’s hard to not progress and get better. This ‘thing’ should not have me down this long. It’s not cancer, it’s not terminal. So why the hell is it controlling my life? I feel stupid that it has but when I try to buck that and regain control of my normal life, I end up floored again. I’m so over waiting to get better and I keep dreaming of the day that I truly am over it.
I pass someone running on the street and I think to myself… remember when I was a runner? I’m not running right now. I have a permanent reservation for a table of 1 at the pity party