The trouble with being known for talking is that people come to expect it.
Whether that’s on my blog or in person, they look to me and I feel the pressure to perform. I realize it’s of my own doing… if I didn’t blather on all the time, they wouldn’t have decided that I am always capable of doing so. But sometimes I feel suffocated by the pressure to fulfill this idea that I’ve perpetuated.
The blank card that I have no idea what to write in, sitting before me. A friend calling me and needing the perfect words to comfort them. A loved one, who’s been hurt by my inability to articulate to them clearly what I’m trying to say. The absence of the right words or the failure to produce the correct ones, seems to have the same consequences. Disappointment and confusion. Not just for them but for me as well. Because without words, what am I?
Growing up, I always wondered what my talent was. I’d been told that God gives talents to everyone and you’re to use yours. But how can you use what you don’t know you have? I struggled and strived to find that thing, anything that set me apart from everyone else. The special part of me. It surely had to have a name, it had to be a skill. If I could hone it, it could be great and in turn, I could become great. Not the thing I was but the beauty I could be. The gift that could be in me.
I cling to the idea that words and the expression of them are my talent. The way that I form them, put them out there for all to see… it has to be the thing that sets me apart. Without them, the world can’t really know me and I can’t be ok. As much as people seem to enjoy this blog, I’ve realized that I need this blog more than anyone could ever know. A safe haven for me to put my ideas down. A calm pool to draw clarity from and find the things I need to say even before I knew they needed to be said. Somewhere to ramble on with the safety of knowing a delete button is within pinkie distance and a publish button that needs never to be pushed if so desired. A place to formulate the ideas that stick inside my head and threaten to smother me if not expressed.
So I thank you… those of you that read this blog. That see something in me, the thing I hope that I can really accomplish. Even when I draw a blank and my words fail to perform, I thank you for the expectancy that I can. I’ll continue to try, realizing that it can’t always be perfect. Human and flawed but special in my small way.