I wish it would rain down

There’s never a good day to kill your cat.  Saturday was not a better day than any other to do so but it was necessary.  Dan &  I had been talking for quite a few months about Cash’s deterioration.  While we’d been gone in June, he’d lost a lot of weight.  He’d started throwing up all the time and howling a lot more often.  We tried adding another feeding to the day to help him since he seemed starved all the time.  Things just kept getting worse.

He became almost obsessed with the kitchen counter and trying to steal whatever morsel he could manage to carry downstairs.  While annoying, it wasn’t that bad until he started peeing on the carpet downstairs.  Then he began to attack our other cat almost daily. 

Dan & I talked more about putting him to sleep.  It seemed like he was getting worse and the logical thing to do would be to euthanize him.  But how do you convince yourself to do it?  Dan was willing do it but we’d have to wait until he wasn’t working so much.  So it became obvious to me that I’d have to do it as horrible as that sounded.

I woke up Saturday and decided that if it needed to be done, postponing it would only make it worse.  My mom was coming over to watch the kids while I ran and could stay while I took him.  I called to make the appointment.  Then I had to wait.  What do you do to pass the time when you’re waiting to do something as horrific as this?  Surely mowing the lawn would be an adequate distraction.  The hum of the mower, my iPod blasting music and the physical exertion could take my mind off the inevitable.

As I mowed, I reminded myself that this needed to be done.  He was only getting worse and while I didn’t know if he was in pain, he appeared to be suffering.  He had lived a long life and if it was his time, I was a jerk for not taking him.  Still the doubts lingered. 

The sun stopped shining while I worked.  The clouds moved in with their dark, impending doom.  It seemed fitting for the task at hand.  I started hoping it would rain.  If it did, it could wash away the tears that were choking inside me.  If the clouds opened up, I could blame the sky for the drops streaming down my face and I wouldn’t have to explain to the kids why I was so sad.  I kept hearing Phil Collin’s “I wish it would rain down” in my head…

‘Cos I know, I know, I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down
But I know in my heart of hearts
I know I’m never gonna hold you again
I wish it would rain, rain down on me nowOhh

Now I, Now i know, i wish it would rain down, down on me

I wanted Emma & Gerrit to be able to say goodbye before I left.  I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do but I didn’t want to hide this from them or lie.  Emma asked if he was coming home tomorrow and when I sadly told her no, she began sobbing.  It was heart wrenching.  I gave her a hug and left her there with my mom.  I drove away and I wondered if she’d ever forgive me for doing this.  Was I doing the right thing?

I drove to the vet and as the sky finally released it’s heavy load, I let go of mine.  Dan was able to meet me there and I was grateful for that.  There’s no easy way to put your pet to sleep, there’s never a good day but part of loving one is letting them go when it’s their time.  Rest in peace Cash.  We’ll miss you

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About Chris

These are the pieces of my life and those that make it worth living
This entry was posted in Cat tales, Uncategorized, Woe is me. Bookmark the permalink.

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