I should be doing a million other things right now. I have a long list of the day’s priorities and if I was being responsible, I’d be adhering to it. Staying on task and being efficient would theoretically make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day. Close my eyes and rest easy, knowing that I’d done what I was supposed to do. Unfortunately, that just hasn’t been the case.
I awoke last night at midnight and sleep alluded me until 3:30. My mind churned. End over end. An endless stream of thoughts but one in particular stuck out to me… If fall is such a beautiful season, why does it leave me so sad? The answer eluded me as much as sleep did. It stayed with me and as I thought upon it some more, it dawned on me. It’s not the weather, I actually enjoy it as long as it doesn’t betray me and snow. The crisp air, the brilliant color displays & the fat squirrels gathering nuts for the winter. What’s not to love? The gift of Thanksgiving dinner, followed by the excitement of Black Friday. My favorites!
I think my easy excuse has been that life just gets hectic in the fall. Back to routine, back to responsibilities & duties. Work, homework, sports, laundry, cooking, cleaning… rinse and repeat. I’d assumed that the monotony of real life versus the excitement of summer was the culprit for my gloominess. It’s completely understandable but if I look at it more closely, not accurate. Really, I like working. It feels good to be a productive part of society and paychecks aren’t so bad either. Volunteering at the kid’s school, driving their field trips and helping them with their homework is important to me and I don’t begrudge it. Quite contrary, I love it. It’s one of the privileges I get as a stay at home mom.
So then what is my problem? I feel like I’ve had a partial epiphany and discovered what the answer finally is. In the scurry of life and responsibilities, I can end up feeling like I’m in a tornado. Dutifully crossing off items on my To Do list feels satisfying in part but everyday I feel defeated by the things that I didn’t accomplish. The day goes by at a dizzying speed and at the end of it, I feel lost. Not because of someone else’s failure or even from my own. But because of the disconnect I feel within myself.
I’ve always said that this blog is my online journal. A place to express my thoughts and feelings. Share a piece of me and articulate my life and how I feel about it. When life is an endless task sheet with no time to reflect on it all, I feel frazzled. Disjointed and unsure, I start to doubt myself. With no time to process it all in my safe haven called Life, love and happiness… how do I really know what I’m feeling? I lose my clarity, I lose my voice and in turn I lose myself.
I’ve been feeling so alone lately. Ridiculous I know. In my heart, I know I’m not. I’m so far from that. I’m blessed with a long list of friends and family that love me and support me. In fact, I feel guilty for admitting that I’ve been lonely because I know that I have absolutely no right to be. But I think I’ve discovered that what I’ve been lonely for is myself.
I’m not sure if that sounds stupid or even if it makes total sense to me. All I know is that it’s important for me to say it. Feel it, think it, write it. Process it out or get lost in it. I either acknowledge it and own it or it owns me. I’ve missed my blog and whether or not anyone else ever reads it, I need to write it. I don’t know how I managed to forget that fact but I’m remembering it now. You know, I’m tired of being lonesome, on’ry and mean.