If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?
It feels like I’ve been asking myself that question for a long time now. What do I want to do when I grow up? What will I become? If I stayed a bus driver for the rest of my life, what would that feel like? As I picture myself old and decrepit reflecting upon my life before taking my dying breath, I envision that driving a bus was what I did for the entirety of my existence. The thought horrifies me. That simply can’t be the reason for my life. There has to be a bigger purpose to my time here on earth.
And as I type that, I feel the guilt sink in. I have so much. I feel bad that I want more. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband and 2 incredible children. I have family and friends that love me, there for me in good times but more importantly through the bad. There’s 2 adoring dogs and a mystically youthful cat awaiting me at home. My job is convenient and simple. My coworkers kind, genuine and quirky. The kids I drive making me smile with their silly comments. Isn’t that enough? How do I dare to ask for more?
Just in case the guilt isn’t enough, I could write an entire post about why I’m not qualified to do pretty much anything else in life. I’ve never had an office job or even worked in a conventional place before. Why would someone hire me now to do so? Most jobs take a degree and I’ve never even applied to college, let alone have some credits under my belt. The idea of going to school feels overwhelming and impractical. Would the job that a degree earned me be any more fulfilling than what I do now? And would I earn enough to pay off the debt I incurred gaining that diploma? I’m skeptical. At the end of this eternal thought process, I usually sigh. Wishing for an answer or wishing for contentment. The former preferred over the latter. Yet, I continue to feel a pulling. There’s something more to be gained.
At this point, you’re probably assuming I’m having a midlife crisis but that’s impossible. I intend to live long past 68. 😉 No, this pulling has been there for some time. There’s a reason that God gave me talents, made me the person I am. How do I use them to the best of my abilities? More importantly, how do I teach Emma & Gerrit to go after their heart’s desire if they never see me strive for mine? If I never become what I was meant to become, how can I help them become the people they’re meant to be?
And there you have it. My question has now turned from “if you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?” to “even though i know i could fail, will i still?”