Old before your time

If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

It feels like I’ve been asking myself that question for a long time now.  What do I want to do when I grow up?  What will I become?  If I stayed a bus driver for the rest of my life, what would that feel like?  As I picture myself old and decrepit reflecting upon my life before taking my dying breath, I envision that driving a bus was what I did for the entirety of my existence.  The thought horrifies me.  That simply can’t be the reason for my life.  There has to be a bigger purpose to my time here on earth.  

And as I type that, I feel the guilt sink in.  I have so much.  I feel bad that I want more.  I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband and 2 incredible children.  I have family and friends that love me, there for me in good times but more importantly through the bad.  There’s 2 adoring dogs and a mystically youthful cat awaiting me at home.  My job is convenient and simple.  My coworkers kind, genuine and quirky.  The kids I drive making me smile with their silly comments.  Isn’t that enough?  How do I dare to ask for more? 

Just in case the guilt isn’t enough, I could write an entire post about why I’m not qualified to do pretty much anything else in life.  I’ve never had an office job or even worked in a conventional place before.  Why would someone hire me now to do so?  Most jobs take a degree and I’ve never even applied to college, let alone have some credits under my belt.  The idea of going to school feels overwhelming and impractical.  Would the job that a degree earned me be any more fulfilling than what I do now?  And would I earn enough to pay off the debt I incurred gaining that diploma?  I’m skeptical.  At the end of this eternal thought process, I usually sigh.  Wishing for an answer or wishing for contentment.  The former preferred over the latter.  Yet, I continue to feel a pulling.  There’s something more to be gained.

At this point, you’re probably assuming I’m having a midlife crisis but that’s impossible.  I intend to live long past 68. 😉  No, this pulling has been there for some time.  There’s a reason that God gave me talents, made me the person I am.  How do I use them to the best of my abilities?  More importantly, how do I teach Emma & Gerrit to go after their heart’s desire if they never see me strive for mine?  If I never become what I was meant to become, how can I help them become the people they’re meant to be? 

And there you have it.  My question has now turned from “if you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?” to “even though i know i could fail, will i still?”


About Chris

These are the pieces of my life and those that make it worth living
This entry was posted in Becoming, Me, Random Ramblings, Uncategorized, Woe is me. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Old before your time

  1. Brian says:

    This is exactly how I feel sometimes, especially a few years ago before switching jobs. I’m still in the same field, by the way. I, too, have wondered many times if I will have regrets on my deathbed, but I think what I did for a living will be one of the last things on my mind. I’ll be thinking about where I’m hopefully going, whether I made the world a better place by being in it, and how fortunate I was to have loved and been loved.

    Having said that, if there is something telling you to go back to school, do it! You only live once! xoxoxo

    • Chris says:

      I think I’m worried that on my deathbed, I’ll be thinking about those things too Brian. But I guess I’m worried that I’ll fail to be the person I could have been if I don’t stay challenged. It’s not so much the job title. I think bus drivers do an incredible service and are a special group of people. It’s just, is the job I took at 20 supposed to be the job that challenges me and helps me become that person I know God intends me to be? That’s where I feel a niggling. As far as a voice that tells me to go back to school… they tend to be outter not inner 😉

  2. Stephanie says:

    My Beautiful Sister,

    I wish I had a magical wand to give you the answers you are searching for. I see you as an extreamly accomplished Woman! You are the best Sister anyone could ask for. Your love, comfort, encouragement, and wisdom have always amazed me and inspired me. I wish you could see that your accomlishments are more than any job title. You reach for the stars every day in everything you do. Society puts too much emphasis on titles. “Mom” is the greatest accomplishment you can achieve. Everything else is just a means to accomplish being the best Mom you can be. By living your life like you do You are showing E & G how to reach their dreams.

    This world is better because you are here!
    With Love,
    Your Sister

    • Chris says:

      Thanks Steph! I’m floored by your kind words♥ I don’t mean to sound discontented with being a mom. That will ALWAYS be my primary job and the one that brings me the most joy. And I don’t mean to sound unhappy with my life because I’m not. I love my life and I’m proud of where I am today. It’s just this thing that tickles my brain & tells me that there’s another step to my transformation. Not replacing anything in my life right now, just growing me into the person I’m meant to be and then in turn becoming the person that my kids need me to be.

      Thanks for being such a great role model for me! You’re such a dedicated mom, wife, sister, friend and fiercly loyal. Your strength amazes me and I’m lucky that I get to call you my sister. Love you♥

  3. Before i read you very thought provoking post of life decision and possible regret I was having simple thoughts like, “am I going to regret this brownie one day?” Now that I know someone like you, who I hold in such high regard, could ponder so heavily. I feel i must look harder at life and possibly a little deeper……….. OK, I don’t get much deeper. However I do think you possess an unbelievable strength that you are positively passing on to your children, who I witness everyday, and are not going to let anything get in their way.

    I have also witnessed many families who have this so called, education you are seeking, who do not have the values, commitment, and love you have for your family and friends. I know you know this. But, from my very simple mind who could only hope to achieve as much as I see in you, I which you contentment in your life. Maybe being such a wonderful mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend is what you have always been seeking???????

    Love ya, Sandy

    • Chris says:

      Sandy, what would I ever do without you? I ask that in a strictly hypothetical way… don’t go anywhere!!! You manage to make me get all verklempt and laugh at the same time. Thank you for your kind words. Being a wonderful mom, wife, sister, daughter & friend is exactly what I’m looking for… just in a slightly different way. Like adding chunks of chocolate to the deliciousness brownie of a life I have!!! Thanks for being my friend, Sandy. Love you♥

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