Creature fear

About a month ago, Dan and I decided to host a Backyard Bash.  A simple party held in our humble home to celebrate the summer and spend time with friends.  Sounds terrific, doesn’t it?  Honestly it was but along the way, I discovered something about myself and ever since I’ve been trying to figure it out.

It started with the planning.  The location was obvious (our backyard) and we narrowed down a date.  Then I asked Dan who should we invite?  Everyone, was his answer, all of our friends.  Easy, I can do that and I did.  I sent it out and waited to hear who would show.  I was excited.  Really, really excited. 

That is until the week of the party.  Anxiety started creeping up.  I figured it was just normal women stuff… worrying about how the house looked, the yard being ready.  But it wasn’t and I figured it out on the Tuesday before the party.  I asked Dan half jokinglyare you nervous to have ALL of our friends here ALL at once?  He looked at me like I was silly and told me no.  Right.  I knew that was the right answer but it wasn’t how I felt.  Truth be told, I was uneasy about it and I didn’t know why.  As the week went on, my dread grew stronger.  Worlds colliding, worlds colliding my brain kept hearing George Costanza saying.  But I knew it wasn’t as simple as that.  I know that I’m still me whomever I’m with.  So why was this bugging me so much?

The night of the party, a friend referred to me as butterfly.  He said I liked to flutter around and pollinate these flowers, then flit over to another group and pollinate over there.  On and on I go… the end result, this party.  A random group of people in our backyard.  It shocked me how spot on he was.  He was totally and completely right.  Looking back, I had always done that.  As an adult, in high school, even in elementary school.  I liked to have my close group of friends but I was also friends with people they weren’t friends with.  Question that’s been bothering me, is why?

Why was it so nerve-racking to think that all the people who I’m friends were going to meet?  I wasn’t ashamed of them.  I wasn’t worried they would hate each other.  I wasn’t worried I’d have to put on a show for each of them.  So why is it I needed to keep them separate?  I asked myself that very question and immediately my mind answered because i’d have to make more.  What?  Why? I’ve racked my brain and racked it, trying to figure it out.  

The psych I and psych II classes I took in high school only take me so far but I think I’ve narrowed it down.  My friends are like my playlist on my phone.  Some are my favorites and I listen to them often.  They always help ground me and direct me.  I love them the most and I’ll always return to them.  But I need more than just my beloved songs.  I need different sounds, different words.  To gain a different perspective and appreciate the best from those that I cherish, I need contrast.  A flower smells delightful but if you spend all your time smelling only it, you’ll cease to enjoy its fragrance.  Sometimes you need a whiff of coffee beans to refresh your palate.  Then when you return to the flower, you’re once again enveloped in its sweetness.  You cherish its delicacy.  I want my flowers to stay smelling like flowers and if they commingle with the beans, I’m worried they’ll get all muddled.  My beans will be flowery smelling and I’ll need new ones.

I suppose that’s it.  The best I can explain it.  I love my flowers, I like my beans.  Flutter flutter fly…

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About Chris

These are the pieces of my life and those that make it worth living
This entry was posted in Becoming, Dan & Chris, Good times, Me, Other Peeps, Random Ramblings, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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