Blindsided

Our blue fish died a couple of weeks ago.  It was more disturbing really than sad to find it floating at the top of the fish tank.  The other fish had eaten a significant amount of it.  Disgusting, I know but that’s what fish do.

I spent a lot of time sitting here watching that crazy blue fish over the years.  That was its unofficial name… Crazy Blue Fish.  He was completely and totally obsessed with gathering rocks and building them up in the corner of his tank.  One rock or two, he’d collect them in his mouth from one part of the tank and swim back to his corner to spit them out.  Over and over, back and forth, day after day.  He’d build his colossal rock mountain only for Dan to decide he was going to clean the tank.  Vacuuming out the bottom of the tank with the hose, he’d level the rocks out again and make them even once more.  I swear it drove Crazy Blue Fish even nuttier having to start all over again.

On really quiet mornings, I could hear the faintest tink as they fell.  I’d sit on the couch drinking my coffee, watching him and waiting for inspiration.  Almost hypnotically, I’d watch his fervent swimming and spitting until something to write about came to me or I ran out of time to write.  I never realized how much I stared at that damn blue fish until I sat here, looking at the tank and realized it was completely devoid of inspiration without him.  Yes, we still have fish but they’re just regular fish.  They don’t do anything special.

Time marches on… I know.  Life ebbs and flows, things change.  It’s just a fish… I know.

I’m a big advocate of change.  I rally for it and cheer for it.  Chase after it and dream about it.  I demand it from myself and plead for it from others.  So how does it happen that I find myself in this place?  A place that I’m mad at change.  Actual scowl on my face, lump in my throat, hot tears on my cheeks upset.  I don’t know.

I feel displaced.  Disconnected and severed.  I miss my people who I used to plod through life with.  My own personal team Chris.  The people who knew every embarrassing event that transpired in my days or the devils that haunt me at night.  The people who knew me as well as I knew myself.  Now… they’re busy plodding along without me and I guess I’ve been plodding along without them too.

Life is busy.  We’re all chasing after life the best we know how.  It’s just that I used to know who I was chasing it with and lately… I’m not sure.  Like a kid who stayed too long at the park after everyone else went home, I feel a little lost and uncertain.

It’s easy to lose connections.  It happens so quickly.  But does it have to happen?  Is there a way to stop relationships from eroding?  Is it possible to maintain them throughout the years?  I hope so.  I really do.  I hate to think of myself as that crazy blue fish, swimming around collecting rocks and naïvely thinking they won’t end up scattered.

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About Chris

These are the pieces of my life and those that make it worth living
This entry was posted in Me, Other Peeps, Random Ramblings, Uncategorized, Woe is me and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Blindsided

  1. Well written Chris. I can be on your new team 🙂

  2. Chris says:

    Thanks Katie. I’d like to add you to the current roster 😉

  3. koreafied says:

    I’ve been having this problem lately, a bit of self-loathing that pervades my thoughts from time to time. Recently I was feeling quite down in realizing that I am nobody’s #1. There’s no best buddy, nobody to drop all of my thoughts, both good and bad, on. Yes, there’s my wife, but there are some topics she is not sympathetic to, and there are times where I just want to rant on everything around me, even my wife. Then there is no one. And I feel lonely and even more depressed and wonder where I went wrong. How could I have gone through 34 years of my life and never had that “bro” in my life? I can’t answer that question, so farther down the rabbit hole I slide.

    • Chris says:

      I think it’s important to have people to confide in. And yes, I used the plural form on purpose. I don’t think your spouse is to fulfill your every need from you. You need other friends to bounce ideas and frustrations off of. To get a different perspective and to see a different way of life. I’ve found the hardest part of building those important relationships isn’t in finding the people but in having the guts to put yourself out there in a real way. Making yourself vulnerable is scary but worth it.

      I hope you find your people. I think it’s harder (but not impossible) for men. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys you know that would like to be your bro. Heck, somebody might already think he is!

  4. Excellent. You have real talent. Glad you stopped by my blog so I can now follow yours. All joy in writing. HF

  5. conniewellman says:

    Wow!!! You have hit the nail on the head, in my life…well written…you write in a way I only wish I could speak..Love your work, and will keep following you…. 🙂

  6. Chris says:

    Thank you, Connie! That really means a lot to hear ♥ I’m glad you found me and continue to read & comment. I think a lot of the things I write about are extremely relatable to most people. I hope! lol

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