I’m hiding in my basement. Not because there’s an impending tornado about to hit my house but because of the one that already did. Metaphorically speaking, of course. The contents of my kitchen drawers and cabinets have been vomited onto every available surface… countertops, table, floors. It’s a disaster.
There’s approximately 493 things I should be doing right now instead of writing this but I don’t care. It’s winter in Michigan and with no chance of burying my head in the sand to avoid the chaos that’s enveloped my life, I’ve chosen instead a brief respite in the form of my blog.
So much has happened in the last few months and I miss having the chance to put it all on here. The chance to vent and digest. It’s making me crazy. Literally speaking this time. If I started with my pinkie finger, counting the number of days I’ve gone without crying as of late, I wouldn’t even make it to my wedding band. And even as I type that, I see how horrible it sounds.
I’ve come to realize that in the last couple of weeks, I haven’t just been running around like a crazy lady, I’ve been turning into one. Every day, I felt further and further from where I wanted to be. The person I knew I was and the person everyone knew me to be. Wake up in the morning and go through the motions. Life wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. Especially when I knew it should be.
Depression is a scary demon. Sadly, just because you’ve beaten it in battle before does not assure its been vanquished forever. Long after it’s slaying, it can still creep up to haunt you when you least expect it. It’s understandable to think life sucks when it obviously does. But it’s the times when life doesn’t suck that it tortures you. When things are actually going really well and you still feel the beast breathing over your shoulder that are terrifying. It shakes you to your core and if you’re anything like me, you run and hide.
What’s the answer when you no longer feel like yourself? I didn’t know but I assumed it was to run (figuratively, this time) full throttle at the things that are me. I mean, the opposite of empty is full and having more should do the trick. I plunged myself further into everything. More big changes, more fun times, more big ideas, more work, more of LIFE! LIFE will fill this big, black hole that’s threatening to envelop me. It has to!
But it didn’t because it can’t. Voids can’t be filled with just anything. It takes the actual thing that you’ve been missing. Stupidly, I was trying to make up for the part of me that was lacking with a placebo. Like taking an Advil to walk on a broken leg. I kept trying to mask the pain of something wrong instead of finding the solution and setting it right.
If depression is terrifying to admit to yourself, it’s damn near impossible to share with others. I could already hear their confusion… “But why would you be depressed? Your life is great.” And the fact that it is great, makes it that much harder to understand
I love my life. I love the people in it. They’re amazing people and I’m lucky to be surrounded by them. My family, my friends, they all love me and I know it. I feel their love every day. My kids are unbelievably wonderful. They fill my heart with more love than I know what to do with. My job is incredible. I love what I do and I can’t believe I get paid to do it. Life is really, really good. I know it is. There’s nothing I would change about it.
So, if everything is so great, what is so wrong?
If you’ve ever battled depression and come out the victor, that’s a terrifying question to ask yourself. Yes, life isn’t always perfect and when things go to hell in a handbasket, you fully expect to feel bad. But what if everything is right and you still feel this overwhelming sense of wrong? What do you do then?
You probably cry, a lot. You feel isolated and alone, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. You eventually start to feel like you’re failing everyone and everything. And in time, you probably start to feel hopeless. But hopefully, you find your courage and finally say something to the people who love you. And when you do, there’s a really good chance they’ll see what you can’t see. They’ll help you find the thing that’s been missing.
Life has been stressful as of late. It’s been exciting and busy and chaotic. It’s been jam-packed full of it all. Highs, lows, ridiculous moments, and unbelievable events have transpired so many times. Yet, I haven’t shared any of it on here. I’ve never vented or dissected them here on my tiny sliver of the universe. All this time, I’ve been swallowing them up until they were bursting inside me. But instead of exploding, I began imploding.
My blog is as much a part of me as my gigantic hair or disgusting cuticles. It’s my safe haven and I see now I’ve been missing its shelter. It’s the place I go to get out whatever I need to. Sometimes, that’s a funny story. Other times, it’s a WTF moment. Or even a random rambling that nobody else understands but I do. And when I put it out there, I finally get it and it makes sense to me even if no one else does.
I’ve been censoring myself. Afraid to say what I want to say because somebody might not like it. They might judge me or see me different. But once you start to consider how the world will receive your words, you lose the ability to express them.
The titles of my blogs are almost always song titles and this one’s beginning lyrics are…
Life’s too short to even care at all,
I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control.
It’s time to take back my control and my blog. I live out loud because it’s the only way I know how.
I’m coming up now, coming up now… out of the blue.