I am the queen of change. Well, if not the actual queen, then at least a member of the Royal Family of Change and heir to the throne. I have spent the last 5 years documenting on my blog the pursuit and exultation of growing. I’ve been the purveyor of evolution. The champion of change. The curator of mobility and adaptation. The Caption of Becoming!
And you… you’ve all been my witness. The audience to the Evolution of Chris. You’ve been my cheerleaders and advisors. My silent watchers and loud appreciators. The readers to my testimonies. You’ve seen me start fresh and new in chapter after chapter of my life. You’ve looked on as I discovered and uncovered pieces of myself. You’ve followed the horrors and follies as I’ve tweaked and twerked my very being.
I’ve told you my dreams and schemes. My plans to shape and mold myself. You’ve heard my plots to transform me into the best me I could be, then start all over again in a new way. You’ve seen me try to pass along that legacy to my kids and the passion I feel about teaching them that they aren’t limited to who they are naturally. That LIFE is about growth and the only way to truly LIVE is to chase after your own transformation. To BECOME the person they’re almost afraid to believe they can be. That their DREAMS shouldn’t ever stop evolving and neither should they.
I hope I’ve inspired some people along the way. I hope someone along the way, at some point in time, has read one of my posts and believed that they too could change their life. I love to think that a person or two have said to themselves “self,” (cuz I don’t know their name) “if that little lady with the blog can try on something that terrifies her, something that is completely foreign to her tiny mind, well maybe I can too.”
I really do hope that. And I hope what I say next won’t deter some one else from committing to that journey because it’s worth it. It’s so totally worth it and gratifying and wonderful. But there’s a truth that I don’t talk about a lot on here. It’s one I don’t even say out loud to myself that often… All that growing and changing can hurt sometimes. A lot. Because often times, when we move onto something new, we have to leave something behind.
In the last year I left behind a job that was comfortable with people I loved working with to tip toe into a new, exciting and challenging career. We sold and moved out of the home we’d lived in for 12 years to tackle the terrifying and amazing opportunity to build the house of our dreams. Now, I’m about to evict my uterus and the large growing tumor inside that I’ve come to lovingly refer to as my ‘big, fat, stupid, baby head’ (cuz of it’s size, I don’t actually think babies have stupid heads).
And so, my brain is screaming to me… “ENOUGH!! STOP CHANGING STUFF!! HOLY HELL LADY, HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH?!? STOP, JUST STOP!!” and I’m like… “Right, brain? It’s been really crazy around here. Let’s hide out in a hole until the whirlwind stops.”
Soon (very soon I’m sure) I’ll be back to my quest for change. I promise. I just need a minute to center myself before I get back to rebuilding me all over again. When I do, you’ll be the first to know about it.