As the weeks pass after my surgery, I can feel the fog I’ve been wading through the last few months starting to lift. Like the sun has broken through and is burning off the lingering haze in my mind. Things have become much clearer to me and it’s with a massive sense of relief that I begin to feel like myself again.
I had been on the losing end of life as of late. If I didn’t think it would bore you to tears, I could easily tick through a lengthy list (again) of things I’d consider lost. Some of which were expected and some that were not. Both were more disconcerting than I ever expected them to be.
I could feel my comfort, my control and my vision of reality slipping away too easily. Everything seemed different and it made me different. For a while I fought it, clawing to keep it all from flying away. Convincing myself that if I was strong enough, I could turn the tides of change. Stop the loss.
But you can’t stop the world from changing. Relationships, people, situations… they all evolve and life moves on, with or without your permission. Raging against it to stop it from doing so is almost as effective as blowing into the wind to change its direction. Your fight will leave you out of breath and exhausted, but trust that the wind will carry on as long as it desires, despite your best efforts.
As the fog clears around me, I can see that truth again. Instead of wailing against the winds of change, I’m tucking to roll with it. Using its great and mighty power to propel me out of the storm rather than fight against it. It’s time to leave behind what may, and make my way to what lies ahead. Only by letting go of my struggle can I move forward with freedom. It’s time to release what gets pulled away from me and feel reassured by the firm grasp of those who would not see me taken as well. I am still here.
The fog, it burns off more every day and with it, my vision becomes clearer. I can see now that of all the things I’d thought I’d lost, it was losing me that I mourned the most. The surgery took away my tumor but there’s been a poison that’s been coursing through my mind. It’s time to release it. It’s time for it to leave my body.