I have been lost, my friends.  So very lost.  The me I knew, the life I had, the way I lived… it went by the wayside.  Misplaced in a year full of chaos and change.  The days tumbled into nights, and then back into mornings to do it all over again.  It all became about survival.  Survive another day.  Survive until it all made sense again.  Hoping and praying it could.  Some day it would, it had to.  Just not today.  Probably not tomorrow either but some day.  Some day it would be right again.  Just get to that day.

And I wasn’t sure how it could but I knew it must.  It had to.  Move forward and make it.  Keep progressing until life looked like it was supposed to, until it felt like it was supposed to.  Not like this.  Not like losing.  Life isn’t just about losing.  If you play long enough, you’ll eventually win.  Right?  Keep the faith and keep hope alive.

feather hope

Now, if you didn’t already know, it can be a maddening undertaking trying to keep Hope alive.  Particularly when Despair lurks around the corner.  Indeed, if Hope is the thing with feathers that gives the soul its song, Despair is the secret ninja with stealth that works in the dark to slaughter all our wispy Hope.  Exhaustion its backdrop, Fear its Continue reading

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6 things I learned from Keeping Up With the Kardashians

I know you can't believe it but yes, I love them.

I know you can’t believe it but yes, I love them.

Yes, this post is really happening.  I know, you’re aghast.  And trust me.  I already know what you’re thinking… “what the heck?!?  you watch KUWTK?  AND you know how to abbreviate it too??”

The long and short answer is… Continue reading

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The world, it spins so fast.  1040 miles/hr to be exact and yet, we don’t feel it.  We’re hurling through space almost half a kilometer a second and still we’re blissfully unaware.  I mean, we all know the earth is moving at an unfathomable rate but does it ever cross our minds?  Probably not.

It’s crossed mine a lot lately.  These days, I can feel its velocity with every waking minute.  With the blink of my eyes it shifts and changes, so quickly it steals my breath away.  It catapults me like a speeding rollercoaster, twisting and turning.  Rising and dropping, corkscrewing its way around, making my mind dizzy and clouded.

I feel myself being  Continue reading

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It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

How did this day…

Emma's first day of Young 5's

Emma’s first day of Young 5’s

Continue reading

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Round and round


Emma: “Who has two thumbs and wants to get a beating?”

Me: “Yourself?”

Emma: “No” pointing at each of us, “you and you and you.”

Gerrit: “Emma, you don’t have two thumbs?”

Emma: “No, a Great White bit one of them off.”

Gerrit: “Emma, when were you ever in the sea?”

Emma: “I never said I lost it in the sea.”

Gerrit: “Then how did a Great White bite it off?”

Emma: “I didn’t say it was a Great White Shark.”

Gerrit: “Then what kind of Great White is it?”

Emma: “It was a Great White… labradoodle.”

If you saw that one coming, you’re better than me.

Labradoodles... the other Great White.

Labradoodles… the other Great White.

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Leave my body


As the weeks pass after my surgery, I can feel the fog I’ve been wading through the last few months starting to lift.  Like the sun has broken through and is burning off the lingering haze in my mind.  Things have become much clearer to me and it’s with a massive sense of relief that I begin to feel like myself again.

I had been on the losing end of life as of late.  If I didn’t think it would bore you to tears, I could easily tick through a lengthy list (again) of things I’d consider lost.  Some of which were expected and some that were not.  Both were more disconcerting than I ever expected them to be.

I could feel my comfort, my control and my vision of reality slipping away too easily.  Everything seemed different and it made me different.  For a while I fought it, clawing to keep it all from flying away.  Convincing myself that if I was strong enough, I could turn the tides of change.  Stop the loss.

But you can’t stop the world from changing.  Relationships, people, situations… they all evolve and life moves on, with or without your permission.  Raging against it to stop it from doing so is almost as effective as blowing into the wind to change its direction.  Your fight will leave you out of breath and exhausted, but trust that the wind will carry on as long as it desires, despite your best efforts.

As the fog clears around me, I can see that truth again.  Instead of wailing against the winds of change, I’m tucking to roll with it.  Using its great and mighty power to propel me out of the storm rather than fight against it.  It’s time to leave behind what may, and make my way to what lies ahead.  Only by letting go of my struggle can I move forward with freedom.  It’s time to release what gets pulled away from me and feel reassured by the firm grasp of those who would not see me taken as well.  I am still here.

The fog, it burns off more every day and with it, my vision becomes clearer.  I can see now that of all the things I’d thought I’d lost, it was losing me that I mourned the most.  The surgery took away my tumor but there’s been a poison that’s been coursing through my mind.  It’s time to release it.  It’s time for it to leave my body.

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Some nights

food poisoning

Dan: “Man, my stomach is really hurting.  I don’t know why.”

Me: “You don’t think it was something you ate?”

Dan: “No, I didn’t eat anything that should make it hurt.”

Me: “You made dinner tonight.  Maybe you didn’t wash your hands after you touched the chicken.”

Dan: “I wash my hands a lot when I’m cooking.  People would be surprised.”

Me: “Ok.”

Dan: “I wash them like 5 or 6 times at least.  Not because I’m worried about me getting sick but I’m worried the people I’m making food for, like the kids, will get sick.”

Me: “You wash them with soap?”

Dan: “Yes, with soap.  The kids are actually more likely to get soap poisoning than food poisoning.”

Me: “Soap poisoning?  Is that a thing?”

Dan: “I hope not.  I really don’t want the kids to get it.”

And that my friends, is a good dad.  Even when his intestines have turned against him and he’s half asleep, he’s still hoping his children won’t be stricken with an imaginary illness.

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