Come talk to me…

Come talk to me“, she whispered to me as we walked outside.

I’m not sure“, I replied.  “It’s been too long.  I’m just not sure if I can anymore.” I stammered but I followed.  Down the road and around the curve, I struggled in the awkwardness of it.  Uncomfortable and unsure.  What am I doing?  It’s been too long.  We just aren’t on the same page anymore.

But we went anyways… together.  Up the road, around another bend.  A big hill loomed over us.  She mumbled almost inaudibly how terrible this hill was.  “Seriously, just horrible“, I grunted my reply.  “I hate it.”  She told me to quiet myself.  Save my breathe and don’t waste it away.  “You’ll feel better when you’re at the top and it’s behind you.  You’ll love it then” she assured me.  I doubted her but it gave me hope and I pressed on.

We crested the top and I finally believed her.  Turning the corner, my thoughts caught sight of the long road ahead but she shh’ed me.  “Stop thinking so much.  Just move and listen to your songs.”  And I took her advice, pressing my ear buds in securely.

I was so lost in the moment, it startled me when she touched her fingertips to mine and she pointed to a spot giggling… “Do you remember when Scout tripped you there?  You had to call Dan to pick you up a half mile later.

Oh my gosh… I was SO mad!  My dog nearly ruined everything!” I laughed with her.  “How dumb was that?

She grew quiet and I got lost in my music again.  Around another bend, down a hill this time.  I smelled a scent and she reminded me how different Spring was when you saw it like this.  “You’re right.  Of course it is, I forgot.”  Taking a deeper breath this time, I felt Spring now… the scent, the look of the blossoms on the trees.  The buds underfoot and the slight chill of the Spring morning.  I was seeing it all again with new eyes.

How could I have forgotten this??” I asked.

It’s ok, I haven’t” she replied.  And she thankfully had not.

She reminded me of how I’d started.  Weak and unable.  These very roads, they’d taught me who I really was and what I could really be.  The sidewalks I’d traversed, full of doubt but still daring to dream.  The serene, quiet moments I’d carved out that had cultivated those dreams.  Long miles, filled with sweat and determination.  When it was nothing but an unfathomable spark.  How I’d held it with guarded fists until it burned with its own fire.  Protecting it and fueling it until it was bright enough to blaze on its own.  Until I felt brazen enough to release it to the winds… come hell or high water, it was free to find its own destiny.  Alive by its own design, it blazed on.

But I forgot to move with it” I whispered to her, afraid of what she might say when she realized I hadn’t followed it.  “It’s probably too late.

My heart sank with fear at her silence until I felt her fingers tighten around mine and heard her say… “You’re moving now.

And then, she was ahead of me.  I was chasing her… my shadow.  My memories, my future.  She was with me once again.  I knew she was with me.  Yes, I was out of shape and winded.  But a runner I once was, a runner I could be once more.

Running

 

 

 

 

Posted in Becoming, Me, Random Ramblings, Running, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lost

funny-hand-life-cartoon

I have been lost, my friends.  So very lost.  The me I knew, the life I had, the way I lived… it went by the wayside.  Misplaced in a year full of chaos and change.  The days tumbled into nights, and then back into mornings to do it all over again.  It all became about survival.  Survive another day.  Survive until it all made sense again.  Hoping and praying it could.  Some day it would, it had to.  Just not today.  Probably not tomorrow either but some day.  Some day it would be right again.  Just get to that day.

And I wasn’t sure how it could but I knew it must.  It had to.  Move forward and make it.  Keep progressing until life looked like it was supposed to, until it felt like it was supposed to.  Not like this.  Not like losing.  Life isn’t just about losing.  If you play long enough, you’ll eventually win.  Right?  Keep the faith and keep hope alive.

feather hope

Now, if you didn’t already know, it can be a maddening undertaking trying to keep Hope alive.  Particularly when Despair lurks around the corner.  Indeed, if Hope is the thing with feathers that gives the soul its song, Despair is the secret ninja with stealth that works in the dark to slaughter all our wispy Hope.  Exhaustion its backdrop, Fear its Continue reading

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6 things I learned from Keeping Up With the Kardashians

I know you can't believe it but yes, I love them.

I know you can’t believe it but yes, I love them.

Yes, this post is really happening.  I know, you’re aghast.  And trust me.  I already know what you’re thinking… “what the heck?!?  you watch KUWTK?  AND you know how to abbreviate it too??”

The long and short answer is… Continue reading

Posted in Good times, Me, Other Peeps, Random Ramblings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Breathe

The world, it spins so fast.  1040 miles/hr to be exact and yet, we don’t feel it.  We’re hurling through space almost half a kilometer a second and still we’re blissfully unaware.  I mean, we all know the earth is moving at an unfathomable rate but does it ever cross our minds?  Probably not.

It’s crossed mine a lot lately.  These days, I can feel its velocity with every waking minute.  With the blink of my eyes it shifts and changes, so quickly it steals my breath away.  It catapults me like a speeding rollercoaster, twisting and turning.  Rising and dropping, corkscrewing its way around, making my mind dizzy and clouded.

I feel myself being  Continue reading

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It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

How did this day…

Emma's first day of Young 5's

Emma’s first day of Young 5′s

Continue reading

Posted in Becoming, Dan & Chris, Me, Other Peeps, School, Shout outs, The kids, Uncategorized, Woe is me | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Round and round

funny-shark-happy-week

Emma: “Who has two thumbs and wants to get a beating?”

Me: “Yourself?”

Emma: “No” pointing at each of us, “you and you and you.”

Gerrit: “Emma, you don’t have two thumbs?”

Emma: “No, a Great White bit one of them off.”

Gerrit: “Emma, when were you ever in the sea?”

Emma: “I never said I lost it in the sea.”

Gerrit: “Then how did a Great White bite it off?”

Emma: “I didn’t say it was a Great White Shark.”

Gerrit: “Then what kind of Great White is it?”

Emma: “It was a Great White… labradoodle.”

If you saw that one coming, you’re better than me.

Labradoodles... the other Great White.

Labradoodles… the other Great White.

Posted in Dan & Chris, Funny stuff, My family, The kids, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Leave my body

facebook_585161109

As the weeks pass after my surgery, I can feel the fog I’ve been wading through the last few months starting to lift.  Like the sun has broken through and is burning off the lingering haze in my mind.  Things have become much clearer to me and it’s with a massive sense of relief that I begin to feel like myself again.

I had been on the losing end of life as of late.  If I didn’t think it would bore you to tears, I could easily tick through a lengthy list (again) of things I’d consider lost.  Some of which were expected and some that were not.  Both were more disconcerting than I ever expected them to be.

I could feel my comfort, my control and my vision of reality slipping away too easily.  Everything seemed different and it made me different.  For a while I fought it, clawing to keep it all from flying away.  Convincing myself that if I was strong enough, I could turn the tides of change.  Stop the loss.

But you can’t stop the world from changing.  Relationships, people, situations… they all evolve and life moves on, with or without your permission.  Raging against it to stop it from doing so is almost as effective as blowing into the wind to change its direction.  Your fight will leave you out of breath and exhausted, but trust that the wind will carry on as long as it desires, despite your best efforts.

As the fog clears around me, I can see that truth again.  Instead of wailing against the winds of change, I’m tucking to roll with it.  Using its great and mighty power to propel me out of the storm rather than fight against it.  It’s time to leave behind what may, and make my way to what lies ahead.  Only by letting go of my struggle can I move forward with freedom.  It’s time to release what gets pulled away from me and feel reassured by the firm grasp of those who would not see me taken as well.  I am still here.

The fog, it burns off more every day and with it, my vision becomes clearer.  I can see now that of all the things I’d thought I’d lost, it was losing me that I mourned the most.  The surgery took away my tumor but there’s been a poison that’s been coursing through my mind.  It’s time to release it.  It’s time for it to leave my body.

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