The girl running

Scout and I

They tell you when you’re little, you can be anything you want to be.  Over and over again, trying to sink that message into you.  And after enough times hearing it or hearing it from the right special person, with just the right amount of conviction, I suppose you eventually start to believe it.

For whichever reason it was for me, I know I swallowed it whole and I immediately decided I should be a cat (which sounds alarmingly insane until you find out I was only 4).  That little me spent the next month praying every night for God to turn me into a cat.  Morning after morning came with me still as a human, and I sadly came to discover what I think most of us eventually do in our own time… you can’t actually be anything you want to be so much as anything you were meant to be.

I will never be a runway model, a rocket scientist or a race car driver.  It’s just not in me.  I don’t have the height, attention span or thrill seeking gene to make any of those things so.  And no matter how much I try to be any of those things, I’m just not going to be.  I’m not meant to be.  So the ever-looming question lies ahead… what am I meant to be??

I think I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to figure that out and the closer I got to finding out, the more it changed before me.  Because the person you’re meant to be isn’t carved into stone like a destination on a map.  It’s more like a flagship ahead to steer you in the right direction.  Particularly when the course changes.

Even knowing that, I thought I’d found the answer a few years ago.  I had my eureka… THIS WAS IT moment!!  I held the answer in my hands, shaking it triumphantly with glee.  So absolutely positive and sure I was, I completely stopped my search.  Ended my quest to Become.  And with it, I forgot so many lessons I had learned along the way to finding that pretty little answer I held cupped in my hands.  So when the winds shifted and took me on a new, unchartered course, I lost my way and worse yet, I lost so much of me.  Could I ever find me again?  I honestly wasn’t sure I could.

I started running again recently, which might surprise you to find out, was incredibly hard to convince myself to do again.  I knew I couldn’t run as fast or as long as I had so many times before, and I felt the ghosts of who I used to be haunting me.  Scorning me for giving up something I had loved so much before.  Mocking me for thinking I could again.  Telling me all of that was gone.  That running was a part of me I had lost for good and it kept me from trying again for far too long.

But I remembered the other day, while I running with my dog, one of the best lessons I think I’ve ever learned in my lifetime.  I remembered that the biggest blessing to losing yourself is that you can take the pieces you loved before to rebuild the person you are supposed to be.  And as I ran, I thought about what a wonderful gift that actually was, leaving behind the parts you hated about yourself and only taking the things you wanted to take forward from here.   Continue reading

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Something good

TransformationTonight, let’s talk.  It’s been a while, I know.  But something about tonight… familiar and comforting, it lets my thoughts wander over themselves.  Over and over again, until they make sense again… to me, to you.  To those that knew me before and lost me along the way.

I’m here… in the stillness, the calm.  Nature.  It’s an aphrodisiac for all of us.  Perhaps unknown to our conscious selves but our cells, they know.

It calls to us in a primal desire.  The need to connect.  The need for time, for peace, for silence.  To sit and listen to nothing and everything at once.  The rush of wind through the leaves, a force to be reckoned with and yet still, it offers us the orchestra of birds in their songs.  One after another, morning and night, to still our thoughts and bodies.  Inviting us to stop and enjoy.  Beckoning us to listen.  Shhh… don’t do.  Just listen.

And when’s the last time you listened?  To the call of your soul or the whisper of the wind?  Can you tell me the last date?  I can’t.  But I can tell you that I’ve been lousy.  Lousy with sorrow and loss.

It’s no secret, I haven’t kept it from you.  Times… Continue reading

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Come talk to me…

Come talk to me“, she whispered to me as we walked outside.

I’m not sure“, I replied.  “It’s been too long.  I’m just not sure if I can anymore.” I stammered but I followed.  Down the road and around the curve, I struggled in the awkwardness of it.  Uncomfortable and unsure.  What am I doing?  It’s been too long.  We just aren’t on the same page anymore.

But we went anyways… together.  Up the road, around another bend.  A big hill loomed over us.  She mumbled almost inaudibly how terrible this hill was.  “Seriously, just horrible“, I grunted my reply.  “I hate it.”  She told me to quiet myself.  Save my breathe and don’t waste it away.  “You’ll feel better when you’re at the top and it’s behind you.  You’ll love it then” she assured me.  I doubted her but it gave me hope and I pressed on.

We crested the top and I finally believed her.  Turning the corner, my thoughts caught sight of the long road ahead but she shh’ed me.  “Stop thinking so much.  Just move and listen to your songs.”  And I took her advice, pressing my ear buds in securely.

I was so lost in the moment, it startled me when she touched her fingertips to mine and she pointed to a spot giggling… “Do you remember when Scout tripped you there?  You had to call Dan to pick you up a half mile later.

Oh my gosh… I was SO mad!  My dog nearly ruined everything!” I laughed with her.  “How dumb was that?

She grew quiet and I got lost in my music again.  Around another bend, down a hill this time.  I smelled a scent and she reminded me how different Spring was when you saw it like this.  “You’re right.  Of course it is, I forgot.”  Taking a deeper breath this time, I felt Spring now… the scent, the look of the blossoms on the trees.  The buds underfoot and the slight chill of the Spring morning.  I was seeing it all again with new eyes.

How could I have forgotten this??” I asked.

It’s ok, I haven’t” she replied.  And she thankfully had not.

She reminded me of how I’d started.  Weak and unable.  These very roads, they’d taught me who I really was and what I could really be.  The sidewalks I’d traversed, full of doubt but still daring to dream.  The serene, quiet moments I’d carved out that had cultivated those dreams.  Long miles, filled with sweat and determination.  When it was nothing but an unfathomable spark.  How I’d held it with guarded fists until it burned with its own fire.  Protecting it and fueling it until it was bright enough to blaze on its own.  Until I felt brazen enough to release it to the winds… come hell or high water, it was free to find its own destiny.  Alive by its own design, it blazed on.

But I forgot to move with it” I whispered to her, afraid of what she might say when she realized I hadn’t followed it.  “It’s probably too late.

My heart sank with fear at her silence until I felt her fingers tighten around mine and heard her say… “You’re moving now.

And then, she was ahead of me.  I was chasing her… my shadow.  My memories, my future.  She was with me once again.  I knew she was with me.  Yes, I was out of shape and winded.  But a runner I once was, a runner I could be once more.






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I have been lost, my friends.  So very lost.  The me I knew, the life I had, the way I lived… it went by the wayside.  Misplaced in a year full of chaos and change.  The days tumbled into nights, and then back into mornings to do it all over again.  It all became about survival.  Survive another day.  Survive until it all made sense again.  Hoping and praying it could.  Some day it would, it had to.  Just not today.  Probably not tomorrow either but some day.  Some day it would be right again.  Just get to that day.

And I wasn’t sure how it could but I knew it must.  It had to.  Move forward and make it.  Keep progressing until life looked like it was supposed to, until it felt like it was supposed to.  Not like this.  Not like losing.  Life isn’t just about losing.  If you play long enough, you’ll eventually win.  Right?  Keep the faith and keep hope alive.

feather hope

Now, if you didn’t already know, it can be a maddening undertaking trying to keep Hope alive.  Particularly when Despair lurks around the corner.  Indeed, if Hope is the thing with feathers that gives the soul its song, Despair is the secret ninja with stealth that works in the dark to slaughter all our wispy Hope.  Exhaustion its backdrop, Fear its Continue reading

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6 things I learned from Keeping Up With the Kardashians

I know you can't believe it but yes, I love them.

I know you can’t believe it but yes, I love them.

Yes, this post is really happening.  I know, you’re aghast.  And trust me.  I already know what you’re thinking… “what the heck?!?  you watch KUWTK?  AND you know how to abbreviate it too??”

The long and short answer is… Continue reading

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The world, it spins so fast.  1040 miles/hr to be exact and yet, we don’t feel it.  We’re hurling through space almost half a kilometer a second and still we’re blissfully unaware.  I mean, we all know the earth is moving at an unfathomable rate but does it ever cross our minds?  Probably not.

It’s crossed mine a lot lately.  These days, I can feel its velocity with every waking minute.  With the blink of my eyes it shifts and changes, so quickly it steals my breath away.  It catapults me like a speeding rollercoaster, twisting and turning.  Rising and dropping, corkscrewing its way around, making my mind dizzy and clouded.

I feel myself being  Continue reading

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It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

How did this day…

Emma's first day of Young 5's

Emma’s first day of Young 5’s

Continue reading

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